Story By: Bill Collins
Narrated By: Leslie Collins
Directed By: Leslie Collins
Original Music: Frank Spitznagel
Produced By: Leslie Collins & Nikita Burdein


Narrator: Leslie Collins
Black Knight: Pat Shay
White Knight: Jeremy Bent
Princess in Disguise: Jessica Morgan
Lucky Angus: Nikita Burdein
Cook: Jon Bander
Cook’s Wife: Ashley Ward
Black Knight’s Cook: Roman Pietrs


Recording Engineer, Sound Designer, Mixer: Luke Allen
Sound Designer, Mixer: Leslie Collins
Recording Engineer: Claudio Santos
Recording Engineer: Cory Choy
Recording Assistant: Reed Adler

Many thanks to Silver Sound Studios, Dan Reitz (opening music) and Colin Brunenn (additional vocals) and all of our Bedtime Story donors.

The Island Kingdom of Scumption

By Bill Collins (and Colin & Will Brunenn)

Once upon a time in a far, far away land called Scumption there was an island kingdom that had two palaces.  One palace was built out of rock and brick.  It had two or three towers high in the air with a granite wall and a moat.  In that castle lived the Black Knight.  The Black Knight!  The Black Knight’s armor was solid black and he wore a black feather on his helmet.  He always carried a black spear, a black sword and a battle-axe.  He also wore black chainmail.  He really was a dark, very dark knight.  He rode a black horse and all of his soldiers wore black armor.

Located about twelve miles away on the other side of the island and high on a precipice, was another castle.  There was a river separating these two castles.  The other castle had four towers, one on each corner.  These tall towers had rock edges and little slits in them where you could shoot arrows out of them if you needed to.  At the bottom of these four towers was a huge wall that was white washed.  It wasn’t painted, but it was white washed white and there lived The White Knight.  He wore white armor and had a white sword.  The White Knight had a pure white horse; so white it could hurt your eyes with its brightness!  He had a white saddle; a white battle-axe, white sword and all of his soldiers wore white armor.   These two knights lived just a small distance apart and they were happy to stay in their separate castles.

One day there was a young lady in a village not too far from them.  The name of the village was Pekoe, Nevada.  She was a princess and her parents told her that it was time to find a knight to marry.  So she dressed in a disguise and decided that she would meet both The Black Knight and The White Knight on the Island Kingdom of Scumption.  She dressed up like an old lady, with a shawl over her head and wore a polka dot dress so that she could see their true nature.  She wanted them to love her not for her beauty but for her personality.  She decided that she would also carry a basket and she would take squash and onions to the castles to sell them to the cooks.  That was her sneaky way of getting into the castles and hopefully meeting The Black Knight and The White Knight.

OK, so her first problem was that she needed some squash and onions.  She went and asked a local farmer, “Do you have any squash and onions?  I really need some squash and onions.”  The farmer said, “Humph, humph, humph.  I’ve got lots of squash and lots of onions!  I’ve also got all kinds of vegetables on my farm.”  So, the farmer sold her some squash and onions but she didn’t know that these were very special and magical onions.  The Princess just thought they were regular, plain old everyday onions.

The Princess in Disguise went to The White Knight’s castle first because it was closest and knocked on the door.  The castle’s cooks came to the door.  It was a cook and his wife and they cooked everything for The White Knight.  The Princess said, “I have squash and onions to sell” and the cook said, “Well, we have had squash for ten days straight and nobody in our palace wants any more squash.  They are tired of squash!  We’ve eaten yellow squash, butternut squash and all other kinds of squash.  No, thank you.” The Princess then asked, “Well I’ve got some onions, would you take some onions instead?”  The cook’s wife said, “Yes, we could use some onions. We’ll take two bunches of onions!”  They paid the Princess in Disguise and asked if she’d like to come inside the castle and have a drink of water.  So, she came in and sat down at the cook’s table and about that time The White Knight came on by.  The White Knight wasn’t wearing his helmet so the Princess could see that he was an ugly dude.  He was so ugly the paint curled off of the walls when he walked by.

He smelled those onions and asked, “Who brought onions?  I love onions.”  The Princess in Disguise said, “I sold them.”  The White Knight said, “Let me have an onion.  I love onions!”  The White Knight took that onion, pulled off the green part, stuck it in his mouth and started chewing away.  All of a sudden, the ugly White Knight started looking pretty good.  His face filled out, his teeth turned white and his eyes turned white.  He had a big smile now and was a happy guy.  Now these were some kind of onions!  “Thank you” he said.  The Princess said, “You’re welcome but I’ve got to go.  I’m glad you like my onions though and I really appreciate your business.”

The Princess in Disguise went down the road and across the river to the black castle and knocked on the door and asked, “Can I see the cook please?”  This time, there was a big old man who cooked at The Black Knight’s castle.  He had on a black apron and wore a big black chef’s hat.  “What can I do for you?” he said.  She said, “I’m selling squash and onions.  Would you like some?”  The old cook said, “Well, let me have all of those squash.  We haven’t had any squash in six months and I’ll take some of those onions too.  Come on in, I might as well get you something to drink.”  So the Princess in Disguise walked into the black castle and noticed that everything was dark and drab.  There was no light, just a few slits in the wall with light coming in.  There was a fire burning in the corner but that was the only light she could see.  She sat down at the table and just then, The Black Knight walked by the kitchen.  He was wearing his black helmet and he said, “I smell squash, have you got squash?”  She said, “I just sold some squash to your cook.”
He took off his helmet and he was the most handsome man you’ve ever seen in your entire life!  He had coal black hair, a coal black mustache, and a coal black beard.  He had black eyebrows, black eyes and he was wearing a complete black outfit.  “Let me have some of that squash!” he said.  The Black Knight bit into that squash and he loved the taste.  “Let me have some more!”  He ate four or five big squash.  “All right.  Let me taste those onions now,” he said.   He took a big bite out of an onion and he turned into the ugliest man you’ve ever seen.  His face shriveled up.  His beard and mustache became gray and he had a potbelly like a pig all of a sudden.

The Princess in Disguise thought, “I better get outta here before he gets mad at me.”  The princess headed out of the castle and across the moat before she heard the trumpets sound. She knew she was in trouble and she started running towards the river and thought, “maybe I can get across the bridge into The White Knight’s territory and he’ll protect me!”

All of a sudden, the castle doors opened and the drawbridge came down and out ran The Black Knight on his horse, followed by his soldiers. There were all running towards the bridge, galloping very fast.  The Princess was running and screamed, “Help me White Knight!  Help me!”

Just then, The White Knight’s drawbridge dropped down and out came The White Knight and all of his soldiers wearing white armor and riding white horses. They all headed towards the bridge galloping quickly.  Just before they got to the bridge, they all stopped.  Both armies screeched to a halt.  In the middle of the bridge stood the Princess in Disguise.  She was thinking, “I’ve gotten myself into some big trouble here.”

The White Knight and The Black Knight were about to fight each other as they walked towards the Princess. She thought,  “If I don’t come up with some sort of excuse, I’ll never get out of here!” So the Princess in Disguise took off her patterned old lady shawl and polka dot dress and underneath it all was her princess dress. All of a sudden, the beautiful princess was no longer in disguise. The White Knight said, “Oh, I like her” and The Black Knight said, “I like her too!!  Then the princess said, “Uh-oh.  I’m in big trouble now.  They both like me!”  The knights looked like they were going to fight over her so she sat down on her basket and started crying.  The Black Knight got off of his horse and The White Knight got off of his horse and they both walked towards the Princess.  The Black Knight asked, “Why are you crying?”  She said, “Oh, I’m just so sad and I don’t want you to be fighting over me.” The White Knight said, “We’re not going to fight each other. We just came over to see what you were crying about.”

So she spent a lot of time talking to them and how they should be nice to each other.  She told them that she was sorry for giving them magical onions to eat. The knights agreed to get along so they decided to exchange armor.  The White Knight got black armor and The Black Knight got white armor.  Everybody had both black and white armor and no one could tell who was who.  They were all part of a black and white army now.

The Princess had to decide whom she would marry.  She thought about it for a while. The White Knight was handsome and The Black Knight was now ugly so she decided, “I like the big cook from the black castle.  He was very nice to me.”  So the Princess married the old, big cook from the black castle and they lived happily ever after.  How about that?